Reading, rewriting, checking, and rewriting again… (LLFF {Part 3})

The past three days have been full of reading my story, LLFF. I’ve been working on it in Word and added a comment every time I disliked something, got confused, or felt like it needed rewriting. I managed to get a total of 548 comments on the whole story, which is 119 pages. Today I started working on processing the comments, and I brought them down to 180. The ones that are still left are those about major rewritings or things I really need to do research on. But I’m on my way, and I love it! This thing is going down! =)

In my previous post I mentioned I would try to translate a small part of it into English. (The whole story is in Dutch, which makes it difficult for most of you to read and understand it…) I picked a part and tried to translate it. Even though I’m not entirely happy about the translated version – it just sounds better in the original Dutch version imho – I will put it up here. This part is not about the main characters, but about two of their friends: Marc and Mariecke. It was one of the parts that didn’t need much rewriting anymore, so that’s why I chose it… ^^
Feel free to like, dislike, comment or criticise! =)

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Mariecke takes Marc’s hand and pulls him inside. With her other hand she closes the front door. Mariecke leads him, as a little boy following his mother, to the garden.

“We’ve got it all to ourselves, darling.”

Her hand strokes Marc’s cheek before she kisses him. Marc smiles, pulls Mariecke closer and kisses her back. Mariecke puts her arms around Marc’s neck and pulls at his short blond hair. The towel slips from her shoulders and falls on the grass, but Marc and Mariecke do not notice it. While kissing her, Marc lifts Mariecke up in his arms and strokes her hair. He slowly falls to his knees and lays Mariecke down on the grass. They let go of each other to catch their breaths. Full of love they stare at each other. She’s so beautiful, is all Marc can think. I’m such a lucky guy.

“Little dreamer,” Mariecke whispers.

Marc smiles and spins a lock of Mariecke’s hair around his index finger. Mariecke takes his hand and puts it on her cheek. Marc’s hand slides down to her neck, when she lets go of it. Marc briefly tickles her neck, which makes Mariecke giggle.

“Cute,” Marc whispers.

“What did you say?” Mariecke asks.

“Nothing,” Marc responds, and tickles her neck again.

“You did say something.”

Mariecke pulls herself up, which makes Marc tumble over and land on his back on the grass. Mariecke positions herself on top of him and presses his arms down next to his head.

“Now you won’t be able to tickle me anymore,” she says.

“So, what did you say?”

“Nothing,” Marc repeats.

Suddenly he realizes he’s blushing. Mariecke notices it and giggles again.

“Cute,” Marc says again, just a bit too loud.

Now Mariecke does hear him.

“What’s so cute?” she asks curiously.

Marc blushes, but doesn’t answer. Shyly he turns his head away.

“I know enough,” Mariecke says, laughing.

Gently she kisses Marc’s face and then lays her head on his chest. They lay motionlessly in the grass together. Marc wraps his arm around Mariecke’s waist and strokes her tanned back.
“I love you.”

Mariecke raises her head and looks at him.

“I love you too, dear, shy boy,” she whispers.

Mariecke presses a kiss on his lips and says:

“it’s going so fast. Three weeks already.”

Marc smiles. Three weeks already, he thinks. It seems like nothing, but then again so much has happened in those three weeks. Their first kiss in the park, until now, together in the garden. Every time it makes him wonder about the fact that they are together at last. He still can’t believe it sometimes. It all seems so surreal and yet it is real. So remarkable…

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6 thoughts on “Reading, rewriting, checking, and rewriting again… (LLFF {Part 3})

  1. Pingback: Step by step… | Just me...

  2. Nice. Now I really want to learn Dutch!
    A couple of comments, if you don’t mind: a) try to use –ly verbs as little as possible, and in dialogue not at all. b) you should use “said” rather than other verbs.

    You managed to set the mood very nicely without –ly and verbs other-than-said, so it makes these techniques rather redundant for your writing^^

    Like

    • Haha, maybe I can give you a few lessons some day… Although Dutch isn’t a really easy language ;-)
      Thanks for the comments! I don’t mind at all ^^ I’m just not entirely sure what you mean with -ly verbs. Can you give a few examples? I’m also planning on reducing the amount of ‘says/said/whispers’ etc. after a dialogue and make it just dialogue (if you know what I mean)…
      Thanks again =) Maybe I’ll try to translate some more when I feel like it ^^

      Like

      • If you’re willing, then I’d gladly put in the effort^^

        Two examples from your piece are “shyly” and “curiously”. Their proper name is “adverbs” and they aren’t necessary in most cases.
        I think it’s a good idea to reduce those verbs. Go for it and good luck!

        Whatever you shall translate I shall read^~

        Like

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